autobiography · freedom · Life

Friday the 13th

Today began with an almost incapacitating dizzy spell in the shower. That took me completely by surprise since I thought I was on the road to recovery. Evidently this Vertigo thing is gonna be my newest unwelcome house guest. I’m still hopeful that I will make it to work before 9 AM at least one day before January ends. Having to lie down for a solid hour in order to stabilize oneself is never something you expect.

I spent a lot of time watching people do things that I wanted to be doing on Netflix and Hulu while I was incapacitated. It’s not like me to take off work for more than a day here and there. So there I sat, trying to keep my head in one position, slightly lying back, but slightly sitting up. It was the only way I could prevent the world from spinning off its axis. It also gave me a lot of time to think about all the life I was missing out on.

In fact, I’d taken quite a few steps back from life. I found myself saying No to so many things because who I was, and who my relationship was trying to define me as were two different things. As time drew on, this became more and more apparent to me. I started to try to say yes, but it only caused internal conflict & stress. Now that I’ve stepped away it’s a little easier to think. There were so many things bothering me, but instead of having the space I needed to work through them, the pressure of the relationship was always there. I had to see someone and do the things that made them happy even when I was only becoming more and more miserable. Something had to give.

And now when I can do anything I want, Vertigo comes to town and beats down my door. So far I’ve had 2 days worth of tests at the ENT. I’ve considered a visit to the Chiropractor as well, but I’m due on Monday regardless. I had a massage last night… and I’m absolutely certain that if I post one word of my condition to social media every hippie I know will want to anoint me in essential oils or some craziness. No offense, but if you didn’t go to medical school, I’m not going to listen to you regarding my health.

With me, I’m either the textbook definition of the medical condition or an army of doctors can’t find a thing… then one doctor who isn’t even looking will stumble upon the root cause. I had my tonsils removed because I caught so many colds during cold & flu season. FACT: I once dated a guy who announced on more than one occasion, “If I can physically get out of bed, I’m not sick.” I looked at him incredulously as he coughed his head off, sinuses draining, red nose, OBVIOUSLY very sick and said, “YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.”

Of course I realize my blatant honesty is probably a large part of MY problem.


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